Sometimes when I come home from school, I feel like such an outsider. I do the same things as always work at McDonalds, go to church, or watch my sister. I feel useless or “used” in a better since.
It breaks my heart sometimes because I will tell my family some stuff and then the wording switches around. I get it I need to work to make money for school, but is that what my life is all about? My sister is now 19 and I feel that all I ever do is tend to her needs regardless if I am supposed to or not when my parents are or not home. I don’t feel like an individual college student. I understand that she has problems and can’t do a lot on her own which is why I am always there to help her, but I never feel like I get to be myself when I am home. I am up early in the morning until late at night, I have to be proper, make sure everything is done correctly and most importantly be respectful and mind my manners. (which I always do).
I’m thinking about when I graduate college, of getting my own place. Something to just call my own. People are always wondering why I never do anything fun, or why I am always working. But sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Now you may be wondering don’t I have other sisters as well? Yes I do, but they are more outspoken than me and are not afraid to speak their minds, because when they do, they basically can do whatever. And shove everything in their face to prove that they are more better than me. I am more of the observer in the family. I just watch everything and keep all of my feelings in, because I know no one won’t listen to me anyways.
I just feel like I am used and anything I would say doesn’t matter. I usually write all of my feelings in a journal and hide them as always, but my journal is packed away in my college bin. I hate not being able to hang out with my friends or just to even go and sit with someone who I havent seen in a long time. People always say “you need some me time!” BUT i dont even understand what that is because I never get any me time. Even when I am at school, I go to work everyday( I have 2 jobs), I am always in the lab, & making sure i am on top of my work. I feel bad sometimes because i do want to go out with my friends, but like I always say my school work comes first and so i end up doing that. All i want to do is make my parents/family proud but it is hard. I feel that I cant go to noone in my family because all they will do is judge me and take offense to what ever I have to say, and then they would go back and tell other family members what I say. It’s like i entrusted in you my feelings and this is what you do? (and trust me they have before)
I just don’t know what to do. I am in this position where I feel that I need to let them know how I am feeling but i cant because I dont want feelings to be hurt. I do feel however, feel like I am an outsider, I have no privacy, I barely hang out w/ my friends, I dont get any me time, I am just another human being trying to make it on my own everyday.
Marishika's Thoughts & Sayings 